How do I contact a former coworker about an opening without sounding transactional?
Quick answer
Start with a genuine, brief reconnection: remind them how you worked together and ask how they’re doing. Then mention the specific opening and why it caught your attention. Make one modest request, such as asking for their perspective or whether they’d be comfortable sharing how the team works. Give them an easy way to decline, and don’t ask for a referral before you’ve given them room to respond.
The question, the details, the next step.
There’s a role at a former coworker’s company that looks like a good fit. We haven’t talked in a while. How do I reach out without making it seem like I only remembered them because I want something?
Acknowledge the gap naturally, reconnect as a person first, and be transparent about why you’re writing. You don’t need to pretend the opening isn’t part of your reason for reaching out; the transactional feeling usually comes from skipping the personal reconnection or making an immediate, high-pressure ask.
Keep the first note short. Mention one real point of connection, such as a project you worked on together. Add a sincere, specific check-in, then explain that you saw the role. Ask for a small piece of perspective rather than assuming they can or should recommend you. Avoid generic praise, invented familiarity, or a long summary of your qualifications.
Could you show me a message I can adapt? We worked on a product launch a few years ago, and I saw a role on their team.
Use the project detail only if it’s accurate, and replace the brackets before sending:
“Hi [Name] — I hope you’ve been well. I was thinking about the [product launch] we worked on at [company] and wanted to say hello; I remember [brief, genuine detail about the work or what you appreciated]. How have things been for you?
I’m reaching out because I saw the [role title] opening at [company]. The work on [specific responsibility or area from the listing] caught my attention because [brief reason it fits your interests or experience]. If you’re open to it, I’d value your perspective on what the team is focused on. No pressure at all if you’re busy or would rather not weigh in.”
This makes your reason clear while leaving them a comfortable choice. Keep the personal detail honest and concise; don’t add a compliment just to soften the request.
Should I ask for a referral in that first message? I do want to apply, and I don’t want to waste time being vague.
You can be direct about wanting to apply without immediately asking them to refer you. A referral may feel like a bigger commitment than answering a question, especially when you haven’t been in touch. Start by asking whether they’d be comfortable sharing their perspective on the role or team. If they respond warmly and offer help, you can ask about a referral then.
If there’s a deadline, mention it plainly rather than using urgency to pressure them. For example: “I’m hoping to apply by [date], so I understand if your schedule doesn’t allow time to chat.” Keep the decision and any next step theirs to accept or decline.
What if they don’t answer, or say they’re too busy? I don’t want to make an awkward situation worse.
If they say they’re busy, thank them and let the conversation end gracefully: “Of course — thanks for letting me know, and I hope things are going well.” If they don’t reply, one brief follow-up after a reasonable interval is enough; don’t send repeated nudges or switch channels to get their attention. For instance: “Hi [Name], just bringing this back once in case it got buried. No worries if you don’t have time to weigh in. Either way, I hope you’re well.”
You can still decide whether to apply based on the information available to you. Don’t treat silence as an obligation to chase a referral. The goal is to leave room for a genuine exchange, not to secure a response.
A practical checklist
Use a real, specific reminder of how you worked together.
Ask how they’re doing without pretending you have no work-related reason for writing.
Name the opening and the particular part that interests you.
Make one small, optional request for perspective.
Use placeholders only while drafting, then verify every detail before sending.
If they decline or don’t reply, respond graciously and avoid repeated follow-ups.
A few more useful answers
What if I barely knew the former coworker?
Be honest about the limited connection: mention the project or context where you met, and keep the request especially small. Don’t imply you had a closer working relationship than you did.
Is it better to message them before or after applying?
Either can work. If you have a deadline, say so briefly; if you’ve already applied, mention that and ask for perspective rather than implying they need to intervene.
How personal should the opening be?
A brief, genuine check-in and one accurate shared detail are enough. You don’t need to manufacture a long catch-up or overstate how much you miss working together.